how i weaned off my antidepressant

Y'all have been so kind in responding to my last post about why it was the right choice for me to take an antidepressant.

Here's what I feel like pretty much all the time these days.  :)


And sometimes even like this!!

Prior to taking one, and even while I was taking the sertraline, my primary concerns were twofold:

1)  Dependence.  I'm not interested in chemical dependence of any kind, be it illicit or prescribed.

2)  Muting of natural feelings.  I was worried that I would feel like a zombie, or that my natural highs would be as blunted as my natural lows needed to be at that point.

#2 ended up not being a problem at all.  I felt calm and placid, but I was still able to laugh riotously or be brought to joyful tears by something beautiful or touching.  So, I no longer have that concern for myself.  I know that others have had the problem of emotional numbness, but it's important to remember that each body and brain has such individual chemistry that a lot of this can only be ascertained by trial and error.

#1 was what eventually brought me to the point of wanting to taper off the medication.  I wanted it to be a short-term help, until I got organized with an arsenal of natural remedies that could support my emotions.  So, while I was taking the sertraline, I researched and researched.  I consulted with my herbalist.  I talked to my doctor.  And this is what I came up with:

1:  Exercise/Sunlight/Fresh Air

Endorphins are not a joke!  They are your body's best natural drug.  I started the Couch to 5K program when Todd turned one in May, and I haven't looked back.  I have slacked off some and had to start back over several times, but the benefits of jogging are huge for me.  It's both physical and emotional:  I feel really good about myself for doing something positive for my health, and I have the actual physical boost of the endorphins.  I have to do pretty vigorous exercise to get a good rush.  I like to exercise outside as much as possible.  Nice fresh air and natural light also help me feel balanced.  I try to jog three times a week and take the kids for a good long walk twice a week.  I'm wanting to get back into a weekly yoga class as well, and I'm looking forward to hiking with the kids once Todd gets a little bit older and more steady.

2:  Balanced Diet

I won't say too much about this one, except:  a lot of sugar and junk makes me feel like crap about myself, and just like crap in general (again, both a physical and an emotional effect).  These are the dietary principles I strive (somewhat imperfectly) to follow, and I try to emphasize protein and fat over carbs.  I try not to get crazy about it, but I know I feel better when I eat better.  I have been posting weekly meal plans for awhile, if you're interested.  Too much caffeine makes me irritable and sleepless, as well, so I try to limit to one cup of coffee per day, before noon.

3:  Good Sleep

I am lucky in that I have never had trouble sleeping.  Unless I have too much caffeine in the afternoon or evening (see above).  But I do try to be in bed by ten or eleven each night.  Also, magnesium before bed helps me relax (see below).

4:  5-HTP (or St. John's Wort)

This was the single biggest supplement help I took while weaning from the antidepressant.  5-HTP is an amino acid that is converted to serotonin and melatonin in the body.  When you take it, you're basically giving your body more of the raw materials to make the neurotransmitters that lead to balance.  I took 50 mg twice a day, morning and night, for well over six months.  It's important NOT to take 5-HTP while you are still on any SSRI medication, as it can seriously mess up your brain chemistry to have both going at once.  St. John's Wort is another good herbal option (but is not one that I took), however, it's important to note that you should not take 5-HTP and St. John's Wort together.

5:  Vitamin D3

Basically, what can't Vitamin D do?  Your body uses it for everything.  Immune system, creation of hormones, regulating neurotransmitters.  There is a reason people get more depressed when the sun (the main natural source of Vitamin D for our bodies) is out less during the winter.  Vitamin D deficiency has definitely been linked to mild depression.  I take 5000 IU (5 drops of 1000 IU per drop) daily.  I just had my Vitamin D levels tested, though, and despite that level of supplementation, they were still borderline low!  So I've gone up to 6000 IU per day and am being retested in a few weeks.  It's important that you take D3, as it is best absorbed by the body.

6:  Fermented Cod Liver Oil

Really, this could be any fish oil.  The omega-3 acids in fish oil have a direct link to raised serotonin.  I choose to take fermented cod liver oil because it has a bunch of other benefits too.    Actually, the whole family takes it!  Here's my method on how we get it down, because it doesn't taste great.

7:  Magnesium

I'm a huge fan of magnesium - and did you know that most of us are deficient?  Particularly if you take supplemental calcium, you are probably lacking magnesium.  If you feel anxious, exhausted, have muscles spasms, cramps, or twitches, you probably need more magnesium.  And it's really not going to hurt you to take it.  (I used to get eyelid twitches all the time before I started taking it.)  Magnesium has been used to treat major depression.  It works on the neurotransmitter level by guarding the neuron from excess calcium and glutamate, which are excitatory and can eventually cause cell death.  It also reduces stress and brings on a feeling of relaxation.  I love to drink it at night before bed.  It makes me feel all warm and soft.  I take this brand, which tastes absolutely delicious as an added benefit.

8:  Kava Kava  

This was given to me by the herbalist in case of extreme irritability.  Kava kava is a root that has been used in the South Pacific for centuries.  They make it into a drink and take it ritually.  I just take a little bit of powder in water.  This is not to be taken regularly.  I have taken it maybe two or three times.  It gives you an immediate feeling of relaxation and being kind of "blissed out."  It works on the central nervous system, and as a muscle relaxant.

9:  Skullcap

Skullcap was recommended by the herbalist as well, and she mixed me up an herbal tea of skullcap, motherwort, and passionflower, with rose petals and lavender for flavor.  Together, we named my blend "Letting Go," which I think is really beautiful.  Skullcap is great for anxiety, and that feeling of wanting to crawl out of your skin.

10:  Motherwort

Motherwort is an herb that helps you feel safe and secure (like sitting in your mother's lap).  It does not numb your mind or cause sleepiness, just a release from anxiety.

11:  Passionflower

Passionflower is the final active herb in my anxiety/depression-reducing tea.  It's good for that feeling of being overwhelmed and anxious because you are exhausted from the demands of life.  I get that feeling a lot.  :)

Those are the best tools I have encountered for helping quell my natural anxiety, irritability, stress, depression, and feelings of being overwhelmed.  The ones I take daily are fermented cod liver oil, Vitamin D3, and magnesium.  I also incorporate exercise, fresh air, sunlight, good food and drink, and good sleep into my life daily!  I take my herbal tea sometimes, when I feel stressed.  The kava kava is for very acute moments only.  The 5-HTP I would probably start again if I began having extended feelings of being low and depressed.

I know that this post is long and involved, but I hope it can help someone who is ready to transition to a more natural way of managing your moods.  Believe me, I see absolutely nothing wrong with taking pharmaceuticals to manage depression.  But I know I was wishing I could find a more concise place that all of this was listed when I was ready to try something different.  Love and peace to you all!

[This post submitted to Fat Tuesday 2/3/15, Real Food Wednesday 2/4/15, and The HomeAcre Hop 2/5/15.]

why i decided to take an antidepressant

Preface to all of this:  I am exceedingly grateful for the miracle of modern pharmaceuticals.  There is absolutely no shame in taking them, and if you are feeling very blue and having trouble functioning, you must get yourself to a doctor or therapist and get it sorted out!  There are even places that will do this for free!  No need to soldier through misery without availing yourself of the help that is easily within reach.

It's been no secret here in the blog or in my life that my family went through a hard time around the time Todd was born (and probably the year before and the year after).  I feel like secrecy and shadows and hiding are a big part of the problem, and are a huge component of addiction, so I have decided that I will be honest and forthright in discussing all of this.

Given the circumstances, it will surprise absolutely no one that I went into some pretty hard-core postpartum depression.  My main symptoms were uncontrollable weepiness and equally uncontrollable rage.  Sounds like a party, huh!?

Yup, pretty much.

I had taken my kids and gone to my sister's on the fifth day after Todd was born, so she could help take care of us.  We stayed for five or six days, and decided together that I needed to get some medical and pharmaceutical help.  When I returned to Nashville, I visited my family doctor and was promptly placed on a 50 mg daily dosage of sertraline (Zoloft generic).  This was deemed the most breastfeeding-compatible antidepressant, and since I had never taken one before and had no history with these medications, it seemed like the best place to start.

I started the sertraline the next day, along with my daily routine of placenta pills and domperidone.  And . . . within a day or two . . . I.  Felt.  Awesome.

Seriously, it worked like a charm.  The best way I can describe my affect is one of things being in proper perspective.  I have a tendency to get overly bent on little details, and have trouble ordering things in my life from "least important" (let's say . . . canning marmalade this weekend) to "very important" (let's say . . . eating properly and drinking enough water).  With the sertraline, things seemed to fall very naturally into their right places.  I felt even and calm.  Vicki Jo's tantrums no longer rattled me.  Todd's crying just meant he needed something, not that I was a crap parent.  The weeping and the rage evaporated.  I felt great.

I decided that I would re-evaluate whether I wanted to be taking the antidepressant after Todd was older - closer to his one-year birthday.  And I did have one side effect:  weight gain.  Boo.  However, weight gain might also just be a side effect of life for me.  Not sure at this point.  It might also be all the food I eat and the exercise I don't do.  Just sayin'.  Also, I was worried about dependency.  I didn't want to spend the rest of my life taking this medication.  I didn't want my neurotransmitters to be permanently adapted to the SSRI.

I believe it was around March of last year when I decided to begin tapering.  Todd was about nine or ten months old.  I felt confident that with some natural helps (which I will be detailing in my next post!), I could handle going off the sertraline.  I consulted with my doctor, just to be sure, and got the go-ahead.  I tapered over the next couple of months, going very slowly.  Two weeks at 25 mg, two more weeks at 12.5 mg, and finally two weeks taking 12.5 mg every other day.  And then I was done!

My birthday!  I was really feeling quite good after the taper at this point.

I have not had another serious bout of depression since tapering off the sertraline.  I am slightly more irritable, but my moods are nowhere near as labile as they were when Todd was first born.  I'm glad that I had the experience of taking it, and I would not hesitate to take it again if I faced another dark time.

Next post I will tell you how I got off the antidepressant - with food, exercise, and natural supplements.  Stay tuned!

our morning cocktail

Are your mornings too stressful?  Trying to get kids up, dressed, fed, washed, not killing each other?  Trying to get your teeth brushed, coffee drunk, make sure you have your shirt on right side out and remembered to comb your hair?  Or is that just me?

I decided mornings were getting to be too much.  We all needed a cocktail.  You know, a little relaxation.

Wait, what?  Not that kind of cocktail.  My kids aren't stressing me out to the point of early morning drinking (yet).  No, I mean a nourishing, nutrient-packed cocktail.  One that gets our bellies and our brains in the right place for the day.  

After years of pondering how to get my kids to ingest the very few supplements that I want us to take, I came up with this sort of brilliant idea.  Mix them all together with a shot of something sweet, and get them to gulp it down first thing.  Here are the building blocks:

Fermented Cod Liver Oil (FCLO).  Cod liver oil was your great-grandparents secret to great health.  It was a nearly-universal morning dose for my grandparents.  They tell me how their moms used to line them up and give each kid a spoonful.  In fact, I just read an interesting article about breakfasts around the world, and cod liver oil is still very mainstream in the Nordic countries, where sunshine (and thus vitamin D) is limited.  FCLO is rich in vitamins A and D and is a real superfood.  

Probiotic.  I don't need to say much about this, since it has become so popular in mainstream health news.  Probiotics do more than just aid digestion, though.  Our guts generate much of our immunity to diseases, so keeping them healthy and balanced helps your health overall.  I like to use one that requires refrigeration, so the little bugs stay alive. This particular brand is for infants (I got it when Baby Todd was still Baby Todd), and we are just all using it until it runs out.  

Vitamin D.  Unless we are spending a ton of time in the sun, I supplement a little straight vitamin D3 for each of us.  The kids get about 1000 IU per day (which is one drop of this liquid).  I take 3-4 drops.  Really, it's hard to go overboard on vitamin D - although it can happen, and if you get several hundreds of thousands of IU, it can be toxic.

Something sweet to mix it all in.  Once winter really rolls in and we get our first box of fresh oranges, I will juice a couple and we will get the additional benefits of vitamin C and enzymes from the fresh juice.  For right now, I'm using the syrup left from canned peaches or pears.  It is so delicious.  

I measure all the supplements into the bottom of a 4-oz canning jar.  

Add the mixer, put the lid on, and shake shake shake until everything is well-mixed.  

And that's it!  We each get a little jar and slurp it down.  Todd actually really enjoys his.  Vicki and I take it more like medicine.  Sometimes I add a little Swedish bitters into mine to help avoid the fishy burps that FCLO can give me.  

I have really been proud of myself for finally figuring out a way that we can take these superfoods that are adding to our health.  How do you get your kids to take their supplements?

[This post submitted to Real Food Wednesday and Pennywise Platter 10/23/14, and the Homestead Barn Hop 10/27/14.]

vaccinations: a third way

Parents tend to feel passionately about vaccinations.  There seems to a lot at stake, no matter where you stand.  If you don't want your children vaccinated, you generally have strong reasons:  you don't want foreign matter in their bodies, you don't believe our current aggressive schedule has been researched well or long enough, or you believe that getting some illnesses and recovering is the natural way of life.  If you do vaccinate your children, you feel equally strongly:  you don't want other people riding on your responsible decisions through herd immunity, you don't want a non-vaccinated child infecting your immuno-compromised child who cannot be vaccinated, and you think that vaccinations save lives and prevent unnecessary suffering.

I think everyone is right.

How is that possible?

I believe that we haven't been vaccinating long enough to know what all the long-term effects will be, especially for the most recent vaccines like Gardasil.  I do know that one of the original polio vaccines could possibly cause cancer.   I do think that, historically, we often got sick with very serious diseases.  Many children died.  The ones who lived developed stronger immune systems, although they also sometimes had lifelong disabilities as a result of these illnesses.  So yes, they made us stronger as a species, but they also caused a lot of suffering.  I do know that the United States has a much more aggressive vaccination schedule than many other countries.  I don't like the idea of strange foreign matter in my children's bodies.  With that said, however, it's not like I police every single thing my daughter eats.  She has eaten plenty of GMO goldfish crackers, eats candy like it's going out of style at her Memaw's house, and gets the occasional sip of diet soda.

I guess "ambivalence" would be a good word to describe my feelings toward vaccinations.  I feel like it's socially responsible to vaccinate, and I don't take that lightly.  I think our society has been infected with an insidious way of thinking that says, "What can I get from society/government/other people?" instead of "What can I give to my community/country/other people?"  And I don't mean welfare.  I mean ripping off underprivileged populations so that we can get even greedier.  But I won't get off on that tangent today!

So, I'm neither gung-ho about the standard vax schedule, nor willing to completely avoid vaccinating.  That's where Dr. Sear's Vaccine Book comes in!

This is an in-depth look at each individual vaccine (because several of our single shots have up to five vaccinations in them).  It examines the ingredients, possible side effects, likelihood of getting the disease and how severe the implications of infection may be.  He offers alternative schedules and emphasizes that practices like breastfeeding and keeping your children out of daycare are factors that can make a big difference in whether they need inoculation.

When I was pregnant with Todd, I sat down with Dr. Sears' book and the State of Tennessee vaccination requirements for public school.  Knowing that I wouldn't follow the standard schedule, I crafted one for him that still managed to fit in all the required shots, but at a slower pace and spaced out from one another.  My guideline is that I don't want him to have more than one shot at a time.  I think that pertussis presents one of the most serious threats to infants, so we stay on schedule with the DTaP (which is actually three vaccines at once!).  The others I fit in around it.  Here is what I came up with:

And I shared it with our family doctor at our first appointment when Todd was five days old.  She supports us and our decisions, and knows that I made them with lots of research and the understanding that unvaccinated and vaccinated kids alike may get these illnesses anyway.

Like I said, people feel strongly about this issue.  A fellow pastor whose daughter is fully vaccinated got sick with whooping cough.  The other parents at her school were furious:  why didn't they vaccinate their daughter against the disease?!  Now their children might get sick!  When he explained that she was fully vaccinated, and sometimes children still get these illnesses, the parents were shocked.  They seemed to think that vaccines were a guarantee that their children would never get sick.  The likelihood is severely reduced, but it is still possible!

Our slowed-down schedule is one way that I feel like I can address both sides of that issue.

placenta for breakfast . . .

In natural/hippie mom circles, eating your placenta is the panacea for nearly everything:  postpartum depression, low milk supply, losing pregnancy weight, and basically anything else you can imagine.  Nearly every mammal does it, we reason (other mammals also eat their children who seem too weak to make it . . . so I'm not sure they're the best example!).  In my research, I only ever found one example of someone who regrets eating it.  It is interesting that it is like a supplement made especially and only for you by your own body.  Eating it is supposed to help you ease off the pregnancy hormones slowly, rather than dumping you in a pit of tears and night sweats while you're still weak from giving birth.

The placenta is a fascinating little bit of human anatomy.  It is the only organ that we are designed to grow and then lose.  It provides all the essential nourishment to the baby while they are in the womb.  It also generates the pregnancy hormones that sustain the little life growing within.  The "guided tour" of my placenta was one my favorite parts of Vicki Jo's birth.  My midwife Rebecca showed me where the blood vessels entered, how they branched, where any calcifications were (a sign of an old, worn-out placenta), and told me mine was good and healthy.

With Todd, my placenta was huge!  It was over a pound, and very long.  I had suspected it was large because it was so hard to get a good heartbeat on him throughout pregnancy.  Turns out my placenta was just covering the entire front of my uterus, so the Doppler couldn't get through it.

I thought consuming it sounded like a fine idea, but I wasn't sure which route to take.  You can go super-hard-core and just eat it straight up like raw meat.  (Actually it is raw meat, so it's not just "like" that.)  You can freeze it and swallow chunks like pills.  You can cook it and eat it like liver (that sounds horrid, although Joolz Oliver did it!).  You can also dry it and put it into capsules and then just take the pills.  That sounded like the best option for me, since I have no problem taking pills.  The biggest issue was that people want to charge you money for doing this!  Like hundreds of dollars!  No thanks.  So, I didn't really have a plan for it other than to save it in the freezer after Todd was born.

My amazing midwife Jennifer solved this quandary for me!  Just after Todd was born I asked if she knew anyone who encapsulated placentas.  "Me!"  she said, "But I haven't tried it yet.  Will you be my guinea pig, and I will do it for free?"  Um . . . yes!  So she whisked away my placenta, dried it, powdered it, and packed it into capsules for me.  Five days later, they showed up in my mailbox.  I asked her about dosage.  "Most women take two a day," she said, "but some go up to five and then taper off.  If you don't feel like you need them, you can save them in the freezer until menopause!  They are supposed to help with that too."

 
Due to many factors, I was having a pretty hard time immediately postpartum.  So I decided to go with the full five caps.  I started with five a day, taken right at breakfast.  It did really help my mood, and it helped me to shed pounds very quickly.  I think it also helped me have more milk this time.  I started tapering when Todd turned six weeks.  I went down to four pills a day, then a week later three a day, and so on.  Once I get down to one a day (next week), I will keep taking them until I run out.

I think I got way more caps than is typical because my placenta was so very big.  Most women get 100-200.  I estimate closer to 350 for me.  I don't find it gross at all - just like taking any other pill.  And you can't beat the cost for the benefits I've gotten!

cloth diaper update!

I knew that I wanted to cloth diaper Todd as much as possible before he goes to daycare.  The center here at church (where he will go once a spot opens up) won't use cloth diapers unless you can get a doctor to write a note that they are necessary for rash or allergy.  I didn't feel like going through the hoops on that one!

Last time I talked to you about my thoughts, I was considering Green Mountain Diapers' workhorse diaper, which is a sort of hybrid prefold-fitted.  I didn't end up getting any of those.

We got a ton of disposable diapers as shower gifts, so I used those for the first couple of weeks.  Meconium, which is baby's first poop, is dark and very sticky.  It would have been tough to get off of a cloth diaper.  Then, we visited my sister for five days right after Todd's birth, so I didn't want to trouble her with washing them.  Todd did develop a nasty little diaper rash during that visit, though, so I decided it was time to bust out the cloth when we got home.  He was twelve days old then.

Baby Todd at five days, wearing his blue XS Fuzzibunz before going to his first doctor's visit!

I had registered for some Fuzzibunz XS diapers on Amazon, and ended up getting three of those from my amazing friend/birth partner Steph.  Those have been my favorite, for sure.  I also got an additional Thirsties Duo wrap from her, which brings my count on those up to three.  After I saw how much I liked the Fuzzibunz, I used an Amazon gift card to order six more, as well as some Charlie's soap laundry detergent for washing them.  

Love this stuff!  We have ended up using it for all our laundry.

Todd was pretty big - 8 lb 12 oz - so I didn't have any trouble at all getting the XS to fit him.  I had expected him to be smaller, so that was a nice surprise, diaper-wise.  In fact, now that he is almost 11 pounds, they are getting a bit small in the rise!  They are advertised as fitting to 12 pounds, which I think will be about right for us.  I have a ton of size S Fuzzibunz that we can graduate into.  

They have a nice slim fit, which I like, and aren't too bulky under clothes.  They are easy to use, and come in cute colors!

                          

 

                        

 

There are two main downsides to these diapers.  The cost, which is pretty high.  $14 on Amazon, plus shipping.  The second is that stuffing the insert into the slim crotch of the diaper is hard, at least for my big hands!  I have to really tug to get it in there.  This isn't a problem with the larger sizes of Fuzzibunz, but the XS is just tiny enough for me to have trouble.  

So, I have nine of those.

I also have the three Thirsties Duo wraps I was telling you about before.  These are definitely the most economical option to build a cloth diaper collection.  They are also easy to use.  Here's how I do those, with a regular old cotton prefold:

                              

                               

                                                     

You can see that these are much more bulky than the Fuzzibunz.  The Thirsties wraps have a snap-up rise that is nice, but the prefold is so big that I have to keep it all the way out.  If you had a fitted under there, you could get a much more slim fit.  Like I said, though, you can't beat the cost of doing it this way.  These are also about $14, but you only need like two or three.  

Between the 9 Fuzzibunz XS and the 3 Thirsties wraps and lots of prefolds, I'm doing laundry about every 2-3 days.  We don't use many disposables - mainly just in the church nursery or if someone is watching Todd.  I still haven't had to buy any disposable diapers!  

I love cloth diapering, and especially now that Vicki Jo is done with her toilet learning (except for overnight!  Expect a joyous post on this soon!), I have enough cloth diapers to last us until Todd goes through his toilet learning.  Then, I can resell them on craigslist and even cash out a little bit on them!  

As far as care, the Charlie's soap makes it really easy because it leaves no residue.  So, I rinse once with warm water to get all the poop out (he is still breastfed, so the poop is all water-soluble), then wash once on hot with a scoop of the soap and a warm rinse.  Then into the dryer on low!  Simple.

todd reeves: the birth

Caution:  things are about to get very, very real on this blog.  If any of the following disturbs you, consider navigating away:  stories of addiction and recovery, explicit descriptions of nether-regions and birth processes, honest emotions, the reality of good and evil in our world.  Alternatively, continue reading and broaden your horizons!

As I rounded the bend into week 38 of my second pregnancy, a cloud of denial and confusion lifted and it became clear that my husband was an active addict.  Multiple substances were involved.  I won’t go any further into that nightmare, except to say that I decided we needed to separate for a while, and he decided to go to inpatient rehab.  We both knew this meant he would miss the birth.  This was indescribably sad, simultaneously very freeing, and absolutely the right decision for our family. 

In my 39th week.  Little did I know how long I still had to go . . . 

 As I struggled to adjust my vision of what birth and family life would be like, my blood pressure, which had always been borderline high throughout the pregnancy, began to skyrocket due to stress.  This was no shock to either my midwives or myself.  I showed no other signs of pre-eclampsia (no swelling, no protein in my urine, no headaches, not seeing spots, no stomach pain).  They decided, after some research, to keep me as a client, provided that things didn’t get any more out of control with my pressures and I continued to show no other worrisome signs.

The main thing on my mind was that I wanted to give birth to the baby before my blood pressure got so out of control that I would be facing another hospital induction.  I started taking a tincture of motherwort and hawthorne, which was rather dramatically effective at keeping my blood pressure in check.  (Here’s to living in a neighborhood with an herbal supply store and experienced herbalists to help me!) 

I also began doing all those things that are supposed to bring about labor:  eating pineapple, eating spicy food, acupuncture three or four times a week, chiropractic adjustment, massage, walking long distances.  Week 39 passed, then my due date. 

I broke out the big guns.  I started taking evening primrose oil.  I had my membranes stripped – twice.  I took blue cohosh.  My sister came to stay with me for a long weekend as I turned over into week 41.  I continued to have strong, painless Braxton-Hicks contractions, as I had for weeks.  I had been dilated to 4 cm for at least two weeks. 

This baby just did not want to come. 

I didn’t know if it was emotional reservations I was having about the birth, if God was trying to tell me that I needed to consider another plan besides home birth, or what. 

From checking my cervix, my midwife Jennifer and I both tended to think that the baby was asynclitic – meaning his head was tilted to the side and it wasn’t putting even pressure on my cervix to open it.  Only strong contractions would bring him into proper alignment. 

At 41 weeks and 3 days (Wednesday, May 15), I reached the end of the road.  Jennifer came over to check my blood pressure and other vitals.  My BP was way too high – 185/100, twice.  We talked over our options.  At 42 weeks, licensed homebirth midwives in Tennessee are required to take their clients for a Biophysical Profile, which is a cluster of tests on the baby that measure how well he is holding up in there.  The vast majority of women do not return from this test and are induced after the BPP.  Jennifer asked if I was willing to go in for a BPP the next morning, with the knowledge that I was most likely walking into a hospital induction.  I agreed.  Since I would have to do it in a few days anyway, why not just go ahead? 

But there was one old wives’ tale that I hadn’t yet attempted.  The dreaded castor oil.  I decided that tonight was the night, as I was staring down the barrel of another pitocin-drenched birth.  I took a tablespoon at seven pm, Jennifer came over and stripped my membranes one more time, and I started cleaning the house – trying to stay upright and get some good contractions going.  The castor oil wasn’t too bad.  I chased it with apricot nectar so I didn’t taste it.  It had the consistency of what I imagine motor oil might be like?  It’s a strong stimulant laxative that is really supposed to give you kicking diarrhea.  I had one measly, normal BM.  I figured I was immune to the stuff.  I took the dog for a long walk, paid the bills, did some laundry, and thought about packing for the hospital (Vicki was already with her grandparents for the night).  I took one more tablespoon of castor oil at 11 pm and lay down to rest. 

At about 1:00 in the morning, I rushed to the bathroom for the awful diarrhea I had been promised.  But it still didn’t really feel like labor.  After finishing up, I went back to bed and slept a bit longer, even though I felt some cramping.  At 3:00 or so, I woke up and could no longer rest comfortably through the cramping and contractions I was feeling.  Now THIS was labor.

I tried to take a bath.   The pain got more and more severe, very quickly.  I tried to stand up.  I tried to sit down.  I tried to rock back and forth, I tried to drape myself over a stack of pillows.  The contractions were coming so fast, I had no idea what to do.  I must have been having them every thirty seconds, lasting about a minute?  I couldn’t get my head together to time them.  I felt like I was losing it and I surely needed to get to the hospital.  My main thought was, If this lasts for ten more hours, I will die.  Finally, I texted my friend Stephanie who was going to support me through the birth, and midwife Jennifer.  It was about 4:17, according to my text log.  I texted them both:  “Come immediately.  Want hospital want drugs.  Can’t cope with this.”  They both responded that they would come right away.  I waited for what felt like hours.  I cursed them both, wondering if they fell back asleep.  I looked at my phone.  It had been six minutes. 

Steph got here first.  She had never witnessed a birth, and I apologized that this was going to cause her to never want children.  To her great credit, she was amazing.  Although I could tell she was scared by the drama of it.  All I could do was lean against the kitchen counter and yell “No, No, No, No.”  I cried to God to help me and save me.  The pain and pressure were so intense. 

Jennifer arrived shortly.  She could tell through the door, as she waited on my front porch, by my yelling and carrying on that this wasn’t going to last much longer.  I was either having a baby or going to the hospital.  I had a few more contractions before she could get me to lie down and check my cervix.  It was totally gone.  It was time to push!  Within a couple contractions I felt an unbearable urge to bear down.  I was standing up, leaning against the side of my bed.  Four or five pushes later, and baby Todd was born!  There was a huge gush of fluid as his head unstopped my water.  It was 5:06 am.  I had been awake for two hours. 

Todd’s shoulders were broad and he didn’t want to turn them correctly.  Jennifer had me push and pulled him out quickly.  He was big!  8 pounds, 12 ounces.  He looked so huge compared to Vicki when she was born (7lb1oz).  She wasn’t that size until she was almost 8 weeks old!

He had his thumb from the very start!  

I had trouble birthing the placenta, which was very large as well.  It took me about an hour and it was very painful.  They had to push and prod at my abdomen a lot.  I was so panicked because I thought the pain was going to be over when the baby was born!  No such luck!  After two shots of pitocin in the thigh to clamp down my bleeding, I was finally able to push it out. 

Stephanie had been holding the baby while I was delivering the placenta.  He hollered and screamed from the second he came out – very healthy and pink.  He had the “look” that overdue babies sometimes have:  long fingernails, dry skin, wrinkled hands and feet, thinning hair.  He was definitely fully cooked!

I felt great.  I didn’t have any tearing or need stitches.  I felt very tired, of course, and sore in all my muscles.  The birth had been so intense that I could hardly believe it.  I had what is called a “precipitous birth.”  This is the kind of thing where ladies have their babies on the sidewalk.  I was so lucky that Jennifer lives just around the corner!  Bobbi, our other midwife, didn’t make it in time. 

I am so thankful for the level of skill and care that our midwives showed to me.  They truly became friends and confidantes as they walked with me through a very difficult time.  There are unfortunate circumstances at play, of course.  But what has been so amazing is the goodness and grace that God has shown our family through it all.  I have had friends and family at my beck and call since Todd’s birth.  Someone stays with me every night.  People take Vicki to and from her school each day.  They bring me whatever food I want. 

In the brief time of Todd’s birth, I had to face my emotions about some very real evil that has come into my life.  I believe now that that is what was keeping me from birthing for so long.  And in labor, as I screamed “No!  No!  No!” I was declaring my opposition to this evil.  God is so good, and has given me another healthy baby and birth.  I have so much for which to be thankful, even in the midst of evil and suffering.  

36 weeks and moxa

I've been a little scarce.  I apologize.  Easter has a tendency to do that to us clergy types.  Add in pregnancy, toddler, best friend's wedding in New York, attempting to sweep and mop on some kind of regular basis, asking my dog to stop shedding so much godforsaken hair everywhere, and a winter that just wouldn't stop . . . and blogging kind of seemed unattractive?  But I'm back.  And I want to tell you about moxa sticks.  First, though:  pictures.

Here's a little side-by-side for you of 36 weeks with Vicki (on the left), and Todd (right). He is still a good deal higher than she was, and I don't feel nearly as miserable.  Plus, you get the bonus puppy AND baby photobomb in the more recent picture!  I am way less swollen than I was at this point with Vicki, not having the backaches and shoulderaches that I did with her, and I just generally feel better.

Okay, back to the moxa.  See, I went for my 34-week appointment with Bobbi, one of our midwives, and she shocked me.  First of all, my blood pressure was up (ugh).  That wasn't really so shocking.  I think the culprit is something I can't do a lot about:  stress.  I'm trying a few new things, including acupuncture, chiropractic, and more magnesium in the form of Epsom salt baths.

Bobbi also closed her eyes and used her hands to manipulate my belly, making a visual map of where she thought the baby was located.  She felt and felt, and then opened her eyes and said, "Yep - baby is breech." What?!  But I had been feeling that firm little bottom just below my right ribs for weeks!  Turns out the firm boulder-ish lump is really a skull.

Now, at 34 weeks, this was really not a huge concern.  Babies flip all the time.  He could flip right-side down, then flip back up again!  But it's something I want to work on while there is still a good amount of room for movement in the uterus.

My midwives will not deliver a baby that they know to be breech.  Sometimes it happens by surprise, and they go with it.  But I will have to find other care if Todd persists in this position - something I'd really rather not do at this point!

I decided to try acupuncture and chiropractic.  I was able to book an appointment at our community acupuncture clinic (sidenote:  how awesome is it that we have a community acupuncture clinic half a mile from our house that charges $15 per appointment!?) first.  I went in, described my issues (high blood pressure and a breech baby), and Alexa said, "Oh, the 34th week is perfect!  We are going to do some moxa."  It turns out there is a very specialized Chinese Traditional Medicine technique for breech babies.  Here is what she did:  she took two little things that looked like earplugs, and lit one end of them with a lighter until they burned brightly like coals.  The other end was adhesive.  She stuck them on my pinky toes, just below the base of the toenail.  She said to tell her if they became uncomfortably hot.  She also did some "regular" acupuncture with needles in my arms, shins, and feet.  Then she reclined my chair and left me to rest.

I immediately felt the baby become very active.  He kicked and pulled, and I felt his head turning to my right side, almost totally transverse.  He didn't flip all the way (I don't think), but he was certainly trying!

Alexa also sent me home with my very own moxa stick, instructing me to use it every night for ten minutes until I felt the baby turn.  The one she sent with me was different from the little plugs she had used.  My moxa stick is like a thick incense stick - the size of one of those big "first crayons."  It's actually a cigar made of mugwort herb.  I have to light it with our oil lamp because it takes so long to glow.  A lighter would burn me. Then, I sit down and hold it near the base of my pinky toenail, switching sides when it becomes too hot to withstand.  I go back and forth for ten minutes.  Every time, I feel the baby becoming very active again.

After I do my moxibustion each night, I feel very calm and peaceful.  In the same way, going to the acupuncture clinic is just a very calming experience.  It is a large room full of recliners, with people sleeping or reading as they rest and take their treatment - no loud talking, no phone conversations.  Just little murmurs between the acupuncturists and patients, and occasionally a snore.  It is dim, and they have lovely herbal tea you can sip from small ceramic teacups.  Just spending half an hour there, regardless of what they do with the needles, feels really good.  I've decided to go twice a week through the end of pregnancy.

Like I said, no big flip yet . . . but we still have time!  I went to the chiropractor a couple of weeks ago too, but I will save her techniques for another post.

wash day

I pretty much always do the laundry on Saturday.  Even when I was in college, and I did one load per week (!), I would do it on Saturday.  I would take my clothes down to the basement laundry room, noting the time carefully.  You see, the washers and dryers locked for the time that they were cycling, but when they finished, they automatically unlocked.  If someone needed the washer or dryer, or wanted some of your clothes, they could swipe them if you weren't there right on time!  I really enjoy laundry, even when we have a lot of it.  It's a chore that requires not that much energy from me, and makes me feel really productive.  And folding satisfies my neatness compulsion.

These days, we are up to 5-6 loads per week.  Baby clothes, sheets, towels + pants, 1-2 adult colors loads, whites.  Diapers are their whole own thing, that I do as needed.

For several years, I'd been using the Target brand unscented free & clear detergent.  It was cost-effective and seemed to get our clothes clean.  I used a very tiny amount for our cloth diapers, and it didn't seem to build up.  But I thought there must be a better way.  One without optical brighteners (whatever those are!?) and other stuff that probably isn't that harmful . . . but if I could do it myself, why not?

I poked around the internets, and found the basic recipe for dry laundry detergent.  There is also a basic recipe for liquid/gel detergent, but it sounded like a lot more work and involved a five-gallon bucket.  The dry one is pretty simple:

1 C borax
1 C washing soda
1 bar grated laundry soap (I've been using Fels-Naptha, and the smell reminds me exactly of my grandparents' laundry room.  You could certainly use Ivory or something unscented if you preferred.)

Mix together and use 2 T per load  (I use about 1/2 T per load for diapers).  Note:  this is for old-fashioned top-loaders.  I have absolutely no experience with fancy energy-saving high-efficiency front-loaders, but I know they are a totally different beast.

I did find, after doing a couple of batches, that I need to grate the laundry soap by hand on a box grater, spread it on a baking sheet for a day or two to dry, and then grind into a powder in the food processor.  If you try to put it in the food processor while it's still "wet," it doesn't break down small enough and you can end up with small pellets of soap in your rinsed laundry.

I also found that over-stuffing the washer (of which I am frequently guilty) causes the detergent not to break down well.  It's a good impetus to keep the loads reasonably sized, which is better for your machine anyway.

I know some people worry about borax and whether it's safe or not.  I'm not concerned.  Here's a good article with lots of research about borax.

Finally, I try to wash everything in cold water, because I know it saves money and it's environmentally friendly.  But the detergent does do better in warm or hot washes.  I try to make up for it by line-drying when the weather is warm and dry.

This detergent works well.  The clothes are clean, smells and stains are gone, and they are much softer than when I was using storebought.  I particularly notice the sheets are very soft - they feel like they have a higher threadcount!

This may be one of those things that people think to themselves, Why would you do that?  Storebought detergent is not killing you!  It's not even that expensive, if you're already using a generic brand!  And that is true.  But sometimes I just like doing things myself.  It makes me feel good and proud of myself, somehow, when I use the one that I've made.  I can't really explain it.  But if you don't want to make your own detergent, then don't!  I would never force you.

immune boosters

I have always been a super-hardy individual.  Little viruses, colds, headaches - they tend to pass me by.  I hate taking medicine for superficial stuff, and can usually kick anything with a nap and lots of water. 

Until this pregnancy.

Ho.  Ly.  Crap.  I have a horrible chest cold right now, which makes probably the fifth or sixth time I've gotten seriously, miserably ill in the past 21 weeks.  I know that pregnancy is a natural time of immune suppression, so that your body doesn't recognize the fetus as a parasitic attacker and terminate.  But sakes alive, I did not have this problem in my first pregnancy.  Perhaps having a toddler wiping her snot on your face and sticking her fingers in your mouth all day is not helping anything.  I've had a couple of the worst stomach viruses I've gotten in recent memory, a few colds including this one, and get this:  I used to have tiny seed warts on my hands as a little girl.  About ten years ago, they just went away.  I think my immune system sent the virus into hiding.  Guess what?  Since I've been pregnant this time, they're back!  It's the weirdest thing.  I will get a sore spot on a finger or my palm where a wart is popping up.  I will start to feel the raised spot, and then in a few days it will go away.  My body is really getting a run for its money right now.

So, what's a gal to do? 

One of my strategies is to eat something fermented, and preferably raw, with every meal.  My go-tos are:  yogurt (homemade, or Stonyfield Farms or Cascade Fresh if not).

Sauerkraut (haven't done homemade in ages, but I love Bubbie's).

Kombucha (time to culture a new mother!  I let it go at the beginning of the pregnancy, but I simply cannot justify the exorbitant cost of storebought kombucha).

And I want to get some kefir grains and start culturing some of our raw milk into kefir!

Supplemental things that can help are:

Elderberry syrup.

And probiotics!  Don't forget that gut health and immune health are inextricably intertwined.  If one isn't doing well, the other is bound to have some problems as well.

What are your dietary and home remedies for boosting your immunity?

15 weeks

Once again, not much to tell.  Things keep moving along.  And by things I mean the growth of my midsection.

Baby plus monstrous food baby at Church Retreat this weekend.  Whatever.  

How do I feel?  In general, pretty good.  None of the complaints that tend to slow you down nearer to the end yet.  I have an appointment tomorrow - we'll see how the old BP is looking.

I am getting into the hungry-constantly phase.  That's kind of fun, actually.  If only my digestion would keep up . . . it's moving at a snail's pace.  I drink Natural Calm (magnesium powder that you dissolve in water) and it helps somewhat, but things are just slow.  I probably need to add a probiotic back into my horse pill collection.  Have also heard anecdotally that alfalfa can help.

I've really been craving Asian food of all kinds - Chinese, Japanese, Thai.  Heaven is a fresh summer roll dipped in peanut sauce.

There was a point in my first pregnancy where my bubble kind of burst.  Not in a bad way - no one tried to hurt my feelings - but reality sunk in.  I was sitting at the OB/CNM office, waiting for my appointment, praying my blood pressure would be good while simultaneously feeling my heart nervously racing,  I looked around at all the other pregnant women sitting there in the waiting room, and I suddenly just felt very quotidian.  Before then I had felt very special.  Like I'm pregnant!  Isn't that fantastic!?  Don't you want to know the details?  Isn't it a miracle that a tiny BABY is growing inside ME?  

And then all of a sudden, in that moment in the waiting room, I felt un-special.  I felt like the hundreds and millions and billions of women who have been pregnant since time began.  Like the millions of other women who are pregnant right now.  I just felt like a woman who was living through what most other women will live through in their lives.

That's sort of how I've felt since the beginning of this one.  No big deal - women have been doing this forever.  Including me, and I have a pretty good track record.

what to eat when you're expecting

When I was pregnant with Vicki Jo, we took a 12-week childbirth education course called the Bradley Method of Husband-Coached Childbirth. I really drank the kool aid on this one. It was such a formative experience for us as a couple. It impacted our childbirth experience dramatically, and resulted in a group of close friends (who I sadly left behind when we moved from Kansas to Tennessee).

The Bradley Method has strong nutritional guidelines for a healthy pregnancy and the avoidance of complications (recognizing that nothing can be fail-safe!). These guidelines rely heavily on the work of Dr. Tom Brewer. Here is a fantastic interview with him in which he details his history, his research, his findings, and his recommendations.

The three important things to remember about the Brewer diet are: (1) adequate protein; (2) salt to taste; (3) sufficient calories. These three things must go together. I think a lot of us using the diet get caught up on the protein part. But, by itself, it will not give the same benefits as the whole diet.

Hear me out, though. I know that there is no magic solution to the problems that can develop in pregnancy. I myself had high blood pressure and possible pre-eclampsia, in spite of following this diet pretty closely for most of my pregnancy. (I did eat out a ton and eat a lot more processed foods at that point, and my groceries were not very "clean," in terms of free-range, pastured, naturally grown, raw dairy, etc.) But I guess my reasoning is, How can eating very well, and not making any room for junk, be a bad idea when you're pregnant? It's not like I found following this diet so painful and onerous that I just didn't want to do it if it didn't "work" for me.

Okay, the nitty-gritty. The Brewer diet for pregnancy is:
*2 eggs daily
*1 quart milk daily (or 4 servings of dairy such as cheese, yogurt, ice cream)
*2 reasonably sized (3 oz or so) portions of meat or fish daily
*2 servings of something fresh, leafy and dark green (broccoli, dark lettuces, greens, kale, cabbage)
*4 servings of whole grain bread daily (cornbread, whole wheat, corn tortillas)
*1 vitamin C food daily (citrus, tomato, papaya, cantaloupe, strawberries, green pepper)
*3 servings of fat daily
*a yellow or orange vegetable five times weekly
*a baked potato three times weekly
*liver weekly

This is the uncomplicated outline that doesn't make my brain hurt. At the Brewer website, you can find extensive amounts of information about where different foods fall.

Things have been a little touch-and-go on the diet for this far. First thing: I don't really think it's necessary to have all that food (especially all the grains and all the servings of dairy) in the first trimester. The variety of fruits, veggies, protein, eggs, dairy - that's good. The growing fetus needs all those vitamins to build a skeleton and rudimentary organs.

But now I'm just about to second trimester (for the record - I think trimesters are kind of a load of crap. Women had babies for a whole lot of years before they knew what "trimester" they were in, and there is nothing about the baby's development that changes so distinctly between 12 and 13 weeks, or 27 and 28 weeks, know what I mean?). Time for young fetus to grow. To put on muscle and grow strong bones, he will need protein and calcium. Bring out the milk and meat.

Wondering what it looks like? Here's a "day in the life" (which may or may not ever have actually happened on a real day in my actual life):

Breakfast: 2 eggs scrambled in butter, wheat toast, strawberries, milk
Lunch: big green salad with leftover sliced steak, homemade honey mustard dressing, cheese
Snack: crackers, yogurt dip
Dinner: salmon, carrots, brown rice, milk
Snack: ice cream