Maybe it was doing two church services last night and dragging in the door at 12:30 to a sleeping household (still, I have to say - I feel spoiled after four services the last two years. THAT was fatiguing). Maybe it was the way our holidays are all spread out so we get to celebrate with different family members for almost a month. Maybe it was the fact that we have had a big year financially (which - when haven't we?) and are pretty house-poor and strapped.
I'm just not really feeling it this morning.
I mean - I feel the Jesus part. Big time. That's usually the Christmas Eve glow for me. We take communion, we sing carols, we raise our candles to greet the savior. It is perfect, every year. No matter what gaffes happen in the service.
But we didn't buy Vicki any presents. She is getting so much from aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins. We asked for only things we needed this year: dish towels, a new car seat and high chair, clothes for Vicki, a queen sheet set, welcome mats, baskets to hold shoes at the doors, and gift cards for groceries and gas. I need a gray cardigan and new underwear. Jeff asked for new tires for his truck and help with the ski trip he takes every February with his buddies.
I feel like I'm somehow doing this Christmas thing wrong. Sure, there is a way to opt out of the consumer madness (and avoid having to apply for a credit card, in our case!) and feel like you maintain some sanity and integrity. But I feel like I got lazy. We could have done a lot of homemade gifts and crafts and food. But we didn't. We didn't put up a tree because our addition remains uninspected and we have no place to put one right now. We have no presents under said imaginary tree. Aside from the special breakfast I made this morning and the Christmas tunes we played in the kitchen, this could have been any Saturday or other day I don't work.
But still, we are together. We are relatively healthy. The baby is napping peacefully. We are expecting another miraculous change in the new year. We are settled in a home that is in a place that we love. We have two vehicles that get us where we need to go. We have plenty of great food. We have enough people that love us that we get to have no fewer than five family Christmas celebrations. The fact that I would not consider all of these things enormous gifts and blessings says a lot about my character.
Edited to add: my husband just ran into a parked car while making an unnecessary, stupid trip. We have liability-only insurance. He is fine, but I give up on today.